Mr. Elon Musk
Dictator
Department of Redundancy Department
Washington, DC

Dear Mr. Musk:

It has come to my attention that you would like to know what I did last week. Allow me to enlighten you.

On Monday, I went to the southern border, where I saw several murdering, rapist immigrants crossing the border illegally. I didn’t have time to call the authorities, so I shot several of them and scared away many more. I suffered several knife wounds in the process. (Don’t worry. The docs say I’ll be back on my feet in a few weeks.) You should have seen the looks on the faces of the immigrant babies after my heroics. I can assure you they won’t try to sneak into the country again any time soon.

On Tuesday, I completed my study of income inequality in this great country. I realized that it really is a serious problem. Therefore, I devoted the day to inventing new tax breaks for the rich so they can have more money to invest in foreign companies, like those in China that are stealing our tech (and poisoning our blood in the process). Yes, poor Americans will have less money than they do now, but in my experience they tend to waste their cash on alcohol, drugs, lottery tickets, and eggs.

On Wednesday, I spent 12 hours exercising my right to protest in front of several abortion clinics. Each time that a distraught woman approached one of the clinics, I handed her a pamphlet explaining her options, such as adoption and moving to Lithuania. If she still intended to have an abortion, I offered her a $10 voucher for infant formula plus a $5 coupon for Six Flags, if the child somehow survived until age 6. If those measure failed to dissuade her, my friends and I bundled her into a car, took her to an abandoned house in the Sonora desert, and left her there to consider her path forward.

On Thursday, I spent the day researching the so-called theory of “evil-ution” under which we supposedly descended from apes. I believe that I have debunked this sick theory once and for all. With some help from a couple of junior high school students and using an abandoned lab on a Hollywood movie set, I was able to trace our family tree all the way back to Ronald Reagan. He was no ape. (Even though he starred with one in a movie, I’m told. I never saw it.) I feel so proud having made this connection.

On Friday, I took on the greatest challenge of our troubled times. I decided to root out and destroy the Deep State that stole an election from Donald Trump, has thwarted right-minded leaders like him and yourself, and generally has eaten away at the moral fiber of our nation. Sadly, I was unable to locate it. Apparently, there never was such a cabal of secret radicals waiting for years for the chance to stop conservatives like us from wrecking the government and the nation. We’re on our own.

On balance, however, I believe that my week’s labors contributed greatly to the short-term future of our country. I say “short-term,” because you and I know that this great period in the history of the United States cannot last. You, President Trump, and all the boot-licking Republicans who are facilitating the abandonment of Ukraine and Europe, the evisceration of liberties and privacy at home, and the imminent collapse of our economy surely know that the end is near for Trump Version 2.

I look forward to visiting you and the president in jail someday.

Sincerely,

The Federal Workforce