BY STEVE BATES

THE EPSTEIN FILES WILL BE RELEASED. Soon, possibly this week. Expect a few redactions. However, there will be some interesting names among the purported clients of the late child-sex predator. Among them: Joe Biden. Hillary Clinton. Barbara Bush. Roy Rogers’ horse, Trigger. Hannibal Lecter. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. Lassie. Both Presidents Roosevelt. Big Bird.

HEALTH CARE WILL GO DIY. Looking for cheaper and more available health care, Americans will flock to a new chain that lets patients perform their own procedures by following simple directions. “Suture Self” clinics will show up in most cities by the end of the year. Disclaimer: I’m an investor in the company.

ABRAHAM LINCOLN WILL BE FOUND ALIVE. Well, almost alive. We’ll see that, after he was shot, doctors knew that they could not save his life given the technology of the 1860s, so they preserved him in pickle juice just before he would take his last breath. Unfortunately, because of recent government employee firings, the experts who could revive him will be unavailable.

SEAN COMBS WILL BE NAMED FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN. Recently, Combs said he had “no interest” in his trial on sex charges. Trump heard the quote and thought that Combs favored a zero interest rate. Just one of those interesting, unpredictable flukes on which history can turn. And, of course, the economy will rebound overnight.

FULL-CONTACT GOLF WILL TAKE OFF. Fox Sports will air weekly tournaments in which the winner will be the first player to get his (or her) ball into all 18 holes. The twist is that players can use any club in their bag to strike opponents at will in the effort to slow them down or disable them—short of killing them. Because of state laws that frown on such activity, this sport will be legal only in Texas for the moment.

SMOKEY THE BEAR WILL BE ARRESTED. The lamestream news media missed it, but this forest-fire-preventing icon was laid off in April among Forest Service budget cutbacks imposed by Elon Musk and his band of 20-something nitwits. Angered at losing his job after something like 80 years of loyal service, Smokey started several dozen fires in the Western U.S. that remain out of control.

“AMERICA’S GOT TRAUMA” WILL TOP TV RATINGS. Contestants will compete for prizes by attempting to show that their lives are more miserable than anyone else’s. Hint: Root for the family whose mom has terminal cancer, whose dad is undergoing transgender treatment, whose daughter was kidnapped by a drug cartel, and who son has been abducted by aliens seven times.

A NEW GOVERNMENT AGENCY WILL BE CREATED. Headed by the My Pillow guy, it will assist citizens in Republican-leaning states who have experienced great loss because of orphan socks or lost keys. Or even orphan keys and lost socks. A secret team of agency employees will be searching for a use for laundry lint and used tennis balls.

HGTV WILL AIR AN ORIGINAL PROGRAM. Few people realize that there has not been a new show on the network since 2012. They’ve made so much money that they haven’t had to shoot anything new, and we’ve become so used to reruns that we haven’t noticed, or cared. In addition, Congress will renew the law that requires all doctor’s offices to show HGTV nonstop.

MENTAL IMPLANTS WILL REPLACE DENTAL IMPLANTS. Tiny microchips inserted into the back of the head through highly painful procedures will force users to smile constantly but without the hassle of getting new teeth. The teeth will still be ugly, but the patients won’t know or care.

A NEW MOVIE WILL BREAK ALL ATTENDANCE RECORDS. The crossover of Jurassic World and Downton Abbey will feature tea cup-wielding, garden party upper-class twits being chased by huge prehistoric monsters. Spoiler alert: In the final episode, the T-Rex learns the pleasures of tea. But its limbs are too large and clumsy to brew the beverage, which causes the dinosaurs to go extinct once again.

THE UNIVERSE’S MISSING MATTER WILL BE FOUND. The so-called dark matter, or dark energy, if you prefer, has haunted scientists for decades because of its refusal to be located. Officials will report discovering an extended family of extreme hoarders in the Ozarks who are responsible for the problem. But before officials can remove all the junk the locals have accumulated, the property, and several hundred square miles around it, will sink into the center of the Earth.