BY STEVE BATES

The In Sight blog has learned of a plan to trade Minnesota to Denmark in exchange for Greenland.

President Trump has scheduled a news conference for tonight to celebrate this most significant achievement of his presidency. The following is a partial transcript of the critical Oval Office conversation in which the deal was nailed down:

Adviser Stephen Miller: I just met with the Danish prime minister. He says he’s willing to give us Greenland if we trade them one of our states.

Trump: Which state?

Miller: Texas, Florida, or Minnesota.

Trump: We can’t trade a red state. That’s a non-starter. What about Minnesota?

Miller: It’s been leaning blue for some time now. Both of its Senators are Democrats, as well as several of its House members. I don’t think we’ll miss it.

Trump: How do we know the Greenlanders won’t vote for Democrats?

Miller: As part of the deal, you get to appoint all their state and federal leaders.

Trump: So, it will be a state, not a territory?

Miller: Correct. We calculated the financial impact of making it a territory. It would require changing every American flag and lapel pin to 49 states, which would cost us trillions.

Trump: What about all those Somalis in Minnesota, and all those protesters?

Miller: That’s the sweetest part of the deal. They all would become Greenlanders overnight. Not our problem anymore.

Trump: Won’t they try to escape back to the U.S.?

Miller: I have taken the liberty of moving federal troops to the states bordering Minnesota to prevent any such migrations.

Trump: You’re talking California and Oregon?

Miller: (After a pause): Plus the Dakotas, Iowa, and Wisconsin.

Trump: There’s a lot of industry in Minnesota. There’s nothing but ice and snow in Greenland. How do we recoup the lost tax revenue?

Miller: With rare earths and other minerals we will mine there. Nuuk was very hesitant to give up all that.

Trump: They have nukes in Greenland? Why didn’t you say so?

Miller: (Unintelligible.)

Trump: Aren’t they all Indians or Pagans up there?

Miller: Greenland is 96 percent Christian. Minnesota is only 63 percent Christian. And, given how little sun they get there, even the four Somalis we could find in Greenland look whiter than you.

Trump: This still sounds like too good a deal for Denmark. Is there some other way we can stick it to them?

Miller: We can impose a 500 percent tariff on foreign pastries. The primary market for their fresh-baked danish would evaporate as fast as you can say frøsnapper.

Trump: What will we do with the Greenlanders who want to move to our mainland?

Miller: I have also taken the liberty of adding a basement to the plans for your grand ballroom where the East Wing of the White House used to be. There will hundreds of detention cells.

Trump: Great idea! We can use these people as servers.